BLITHERING, BUMBLING, AND RAMBLING #5
ONCE STAINED, TWICE SHY
After having the house remodeled and new wood floors installed throughout, my lovely wife and I invited a number of friends over to see the new digs. Conversation flowed, as did wine, laughter, and stories about the ups and downs of the construction of our now sparkling new residence. And then……
A gesture is made, a glass is bumped, and red wine spills across the tablecloth and onto the floor. (And mentally I make note of the fact that this is our first spill, which naturally, sparks the reaction of “AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWWWWWWW!!!)
My lovely wife and several guests leap into action and begin rolling up the tablecloth and wiping up the floor. A bottle of Wine-out stain remover comes into play, and the affected tablecloth and napkins are removed.
After the guests are gone, the wine splashed items are put into a tub with some Oxy clean, and left to soak. The next morning, everything is sparkling clean and restored.
Yeah, a sigh of relief. No harm, no foul.
Two days later, my brother and his wife came over for dinner. At the same table, same room, different table cloth. And another gesture, another red wine spill, and, even faster than before, my wife and I and my brother and his wife spring into action. (Yes, the Yogi Berra phrase about “It’s Deja Vu all over again” bounces around my thoughts). The Wine-out stain remover comes back out. The tablecloths and napkins affected again are removed to a tub to soak. We’re so sorry, they say. No problem, we got this. Again. The next morning, all is sparkling clean once more.
Two nights later, it’s game night at our house with our friends Karen and Janice. Yup. Same table, conversation is flowing, as is, of course, wine. BUT, this time it’s White wine. I relax. Sure, gesture with your arms, bump the table, go ahead. I am as calm as a a pond on a windless day. I am as tranquil as a sloth on quaaludes. AND THEN (if this were TV here’s where the dramatic music plays- Dum, dum DUMMM- )a bottle of RED WINE arrives at the table!
In France, here is the point where the French would stand up and shout “Sacre Bleu! VIN ROUGE! “ Well, it isn’t France. So I do what any other American-twice-wine-stained-would-do-knowing -bad-things-always-happen-in-threes. I tensed up. I white-knuckled the grip on my chair, breathed a little more briskly, and smiled a used car salesman’s best expression to sell the idea that I wasn’t the least bit concerned.
Game night continues. No spills. And as the evening concludes, peace is restored to our lovely, and thoroughly cleaned, abode.
I am impressed that these new floors are actually a breeze to clean compared to carpet. Pretty much 2 minutes and done. Sponge,wipe, soak. I ‘m pretty confident that if there is a mishap in our future, our guests will be amazed that the spill and the tablecloth will be gone before their glass is even stood back up. As I stand grinning proudly in front of them, bottle in hand, inquiring “Refill?”
SPOUSAL ZINGERS
Way back when, my wife and I had been dating for awhile, and were driving through Sacramento when another car came zipping up beside me on the right, inches off my wife’s door. And then cut across the front of my car, by what seemed even less than two inches clearance. The other guy’s car roared up toward the bumper of the next car up as my wife yelled “YOU BOOGER!”
I blinked. Then started giggling hysterically. So did she. Booger? Hilarious. It made me push aside all the venomous vocabulary I was preparing to express. We tee-hee-hee’d some more. She’s a keeper, that one.
AH DINNAE KEN
You need a Glasgow local or a lot of time in Scotland to know what the three words above mean. Which brings me to my latest book selection. I saw that “Trainspotting” was available on Kindle at a ridiculously low price.
The book, and movie, were praised by critics as cult classics, described as being raw, funny, and gritty/crude/sometimes brutal.
I bought without reading a sample or looking through the reviews (one born every minute, I know). The book is a steadfastly Scottish example of how to be independent from other written works. It has enough Scottish phrases, slang, street talk, and just plain gibberish that the Scottish use, to the utter frustration of all non- Scots. It takes a great deal of patience, and multiple google searches to translate.
The book has a glossary in the back to assist the reader with the terminology. The glossary is 4 pages long. It needs another 50 pages to cover the necessary queries. At least.
If you like a challenge, this book is for you. Much like a first time Rubik’s cube experience, or paddling a canoe with a teaspoon. It can be done, but, whew, it’s gonna take some effort.
And the three words above, are Scottish slang for “I don’t know”. Yeah, now you know why I didn’t finish the book. Aye.
KA-WOOF
My lovely wife and I are standing in our kitchen talking to the two appliance installers that are working on our range vent hood. They are finishing up and have a protective blanket over the stovetop to protect it. They had taken the knobs off the gas controls to avoid bumping any burners on .
So, one of the installers is telling us a story about what happened awhile back when they were finishing another job. Apparently while putting the knobs on, the installer managed to twist the knob, which set off the gas burner on the stovetop and set their blanket on fire. In the hustle to prevent further damage to the home, the blanket got scorched, their workbook melted, and several tools were singed. He was relieved that the home was unscathed. He was embarrassed at how the homeowner had seen it all. We chuckled, of course.
Only a few seconds later the same guy is putting the knobs back on our stove. He twists the knob. KA-WOOF comes the sound that is all too familiar to these two guys. Both were on it in a split second and the blanket was removed, pre-scorch this time. My wife and I stood there for a couple seconds, jaws dropped. Ooohhh, Bubba, not again.
Now, it should be mentioned at this point that telling me you once did something careless that you are currently re-enacting sounds like something right out of the movie, Groundhog Day. ( a short pause here-if you haven’t seen Groundhog Day-stop here and go see it, just so I don’t have to answer silly questions from you about how my situation involves rodent holidays. Don’t make me go there). You can tell from that description it floats between kinda scary and humorous. Anyway…
The one guy got stuff off the stove and outta there. (Smart fella). The storyteller put the knobs back on, apologizing profusely. The bright red glow of embarrassment on his face was enough to fill the room. Man, I thought, who knew appliance installers lead such exciting lives? Can hardly wait to see what happens when the dryer goes in!
I tried to focus on the fact that no actual damage occurred to the house. I checked the fire extinguishers, just , ya know, for fun. Stay tuned, the remodel continues……