BLITHERING, BUMBLING, AND RAMBLING #27
SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS
It’s been quite a few years since this happened. One of Debbie’s coworkers had a death in the family. Debbie wanted to go to the funeral and I went with her. We had an address in Citrus Heights and we got there a few minutes before the scheduled time.
We parked in front and walked in. Several people were up front by the podium as we entered, and there were about a dozen folks seated, mostly by the speaker. We didn’t recognize anybody when we first went in so we sat a few rows back. The conversation by the podium and in the front row was loud enough that we hear every word, but the funeral wasn’t scheduled to start for a few minutes.
A couple walked in a few minutes later, and, like us, looked around and sat a couple rows behind us and waited. A woman by the podium stood up and began to speak louder, addressing the whole room. But….
She wasn’t talking about a funeral, or a death, or any of the people we came to pay our respects to. Nooooooooo. She began talking about revival, standing up and speaking out in the name of the Lord, and asking who was ready to join her in proclaiming their faith. Uh oh.
She scanned the room for volunteers. I immediately looked towards the floor to avoid eye contact. “You sir! Are you ready to speak in his name ?” I froze for a split second thinking the Holy Rollers had me cornered! What’s the proper response- “Uhhhh, no sorry, just here to drop off some hymn books in the back row”. But then I heard a male voice answering in the front row and realized I was not the target.
Debbie and I quickly agreed we were in the wrong place and scurried to the exit. As we did, the couple behind us instantly followed. When we got outside the other couple asked if we were looking for the funeral also. We giggled as we answered, a sense of nervous relief set in as we realized we weren’t the only ones in the wrong church. Misery loves company, but embarrassment needs a good chuckle afterward.
MARITAL BLISS
Many years ago when I was at work at Rocklin PD I had a new officer with me that I was training one Saturday afternoon. We got a call from the Roseville Police to go to where their officers were at the scene of a large fight that was getting worse, because they were way outnumbered. The first car to arrive at the scene was us.
Yes, they were horribly outnumbered. And get this: it was a wedding reception that had turned into a major brawl in the parking lot.
As we got out of the car there was one Roseville officer who was already taken out of the fight and being treated by paramedics for a broken arm. Ah, Adrenalin rising. Past that there was a Roseville sergeant who was trying real hard to stop an angry mob that was attempting to get around him to his patrol car and release the prisoner he had arrested. And a third Roseville officer was running over to break up two guys fighting in the middle of the mob.
I headed toward the sergeant when the mob got the door open and the prisoner tried to get out. My partner went over and helped the other Roseville cop pull apart the two fighters. As the prisoner got out of the car I saw that he was an older guy, in a tuxedo, Whaaaat? Yeah, I assumed he was probably the father of the bride, the bride was just a short distance away next to another guy in a tuxedo, shouting at us to let him go. Just imagine that wedding video!
As we got the prisoner back in, and the fight was broken up by my partner and the Roseville Cop, we attempted to extract ourselves from this very angry wedding party surrounding our cars. We had the one guy from the fight prisoner in our car, and the crowd didn’t like the idea of us leaving. The descriptive term here would be “tense confrontation”.
Thankfully, like in the movies, reinforcements arrived. Like, a lot. Several deputies from the Sheriff’s office, the Highway patrol, another Rocklin cop, and more sirens in the background headed our way. We eased through the crowd and got out of there. As more help came, the mini riot was quelled, and eventually the scene stabilized.
When we booked our prisoner we were told we could head back to Rocklin, peace had been restored. And as we talked about it on the way back, we both wondered “You think those newlyweds will live happily ever after?” They sure will had a lot to talk about on the honeymoon.
I was always curious about whether the father of the bride’s booking photo made it into the wedding album. You just know the other inmates in his cellblock probably told him to smile nice for the mugshot, so it could be.
YOU GOTTA GET ONE OF THESE
If you’ve had a fly buzzing nearby you know the annoyance of its mere presence. When they get on something you wave them off, but when they get right next to you, start figuring out what to grab to send them into pest afterlife. The choices are multiple: rolled up newspaper, magazine, flyswatter, bug spray, zapper wand, annnnnnnnnddddddd——RUBBER BAND GUN! Yes, the all time favorite of mine growing up.
Back in my day they didn’t sell them in stores like they do now. But my dad, when he couldn’t find anything to smack the fly with, especially if it was out of reach, he’d use a rubber band. He was pretty good at it, but always said it was easier with a rubber band gun. He showed us how to make one. It was easy, and my brothers and I weren’t even teenagers yet and we could put one together in a couple minutes.
All it took was two small pieces of wood and a clothes pin. Two clothes pins if you wanted a double barrel capacity. Throw in some rubber bands for ammo and you’re all set. We didn’t mind going after any bug that wandered into the house, and when there weren’t any around, we’d get behind furniture in the living room and practice on each other at longer range. It’s easier with a bigger target, and with rubber bands, nobody got hurt and it didn’t dent the living room.
Well, fast forward 30 years and my wife is pointing out that there’s a fly in the room. But in between buzzing around us it sits up on the high vaulted ceiling staring at us. She hands me the zapper wand and tells me to wait for it. I do, but then I go online and order a rubber band gun (no, I’m not too lazy to build one- the one online has 12, yes count em- 12! Rubber Band Capacity so you can let fly repeatedly if you miss the first shot). I relived my childhood, and got pretty accurate over time. High vaulted ceilings were no longer a secure hideout.
I even bought one for my Dad a few month’s later. My mom said he really loved it, but most of the rubber bands got located by the vacuum cleaner because Dad lost count of how many he clicked off. Good times.
I pointed out to my wife , when she asked what I wanted for Christmas, that Amazon had a rubber band machine gun that held 40 rubber bands in one clip. The expression on her face gave me an early indicator that Santa ‘s elves might not be up to the task. It’s probably just as well, not many people want to come to a barbeque at your house if they think you need a machine gun to keep the flies back.