BLITHERING, BUMBLING, AND RAMBLING #18

CLOTHING OPTIONAL

Back in high school, a friend of mine told me how someone had given him some unusual advice on how to avoid getting into a fight. The advice? If someone wants to fight you, start taking your clothes off and growling and howling like an animal. Nobody wants to fight a naked guy, particularly a crazy one. At the time, I thought this was hilarious. But then, fast forward 11 years later, and……

I was working at the police department, had another officer riding with me and was sent to a call of a family fight. No other details were given, other than the husband had arrived home heavily intoxicated and was “howling”. Sure, you can see where this is going. As we pulled up in front of the house, there was a naked man standing 10 feet in front of the doorway in the front yard. 

There is a woman standing in the doorway screaming and crying. The naked guy is shouting back. As we step in between the man and woman, the neighborhood looky-loos start to show up to see what all the hollering is about. Uh huh.

I told the man we would bring him some clothing to cover up, and step out of public view to resolve this. “No!” He shouts back at me. Hmmm, not the response I was hoping for. He tries to push past me to get to the house, and, yeah, now it’s crystal clear to me that I really don’t want to fight with a naked guy. And especially in front of passers-by that seem determined to watch until this sideshow has its big finish.

A nice neighbor runs out with a blanket and holds it up to shield the man from the eyes of the people on the sidewalk. Naked guy kicks at the neighbor holding the blanket, and stumbles forward . As luck would have it, he falls into the blanket, making it easier for us to wrap it around him as we cuff him, pick him up and lead him over to the patrol car. He is screaming and babbling the whole way.

So I go back to the woman in the doorway to find out what happened. She explains that the naked guy is her husband, who, any other day was a model family man, but today went out for a drink with his co-workers at the end of shift. Several hours later his co-workers drop him off at the house, drunk as a skunk. She said he never usually drinks more than one drink, and now she fully understands why.

When he sobered up and was released, the guy was apologetic and embarrassed about what happened. He turned out to be a pretty decent guy, and gave up drinking . I tell the shift at briefing the next day about the ordeal the family went through. Their reaction: ‘Eeeewww, you fought with a naked guy!”

Yeah, nobody wants to do that. But I wasn’t about to follow my friend’s advice on how to get out of it. And I already met the guy who did. MmAnd the real hero of the story? The guy who brought out the blanket. We nicknamed him “Linus” from the Peanuts cartoon. He just appeared out of nowhere with the blanket, like a true comic strip superhero, his timing was impeccable.

SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE!

If you watched Gomer Pyle back in the days when it was on TV you remember the above line as his classic response to an awkward discovery. Which brings me to this story.

A friend of mine went to work at another police department back in the mid 80’s. One night we were both at the jail at the same time and we were talking about things that had happened since we last met. In that job the stories you share can be quite unusual, and so you try to share the ones you think will be either most hilarious, or, twilight zone weird. His topped mine. It went something like this…

He had gotten a call of a coroner’s case/ dead body. He and another officer arrived at the scene and went into a house where the family explained that their elderly grandmother had passed away in the living room, while sitting in a chair watching TV. They went into the living room and found the woman, eyes closed, no movement, pale and ashen looking. Her chin laid flat on her chest. The family told them it had been over 15 minutes since they had found her . She was unresponsive, cold to the touch, and had a great number of ongoing health issues that made it an end-of-life-coming anticipation to the family.

So they asked for the coroner to be sent to the scene. Then they started asking all the preliminary questions for a death investigation. A couple of the family members remained in the room with the two cops as the questions were answered and the process explained. The family was solemn, the officers expressed their condolences and spoke softly.

And then the believed-to-be-recently-deceased-grandmother lifted her head up suddenly, opened her eyes and reached out with both hands to grab the arms of the chair!! The family members screamed, my buddy said the pen he had writing with flew out of his hand as his immediate reaction was to jerk his head back. The other officer simply jumped 4 feet backwards, screaming “Eeeeyahh!” Apparently he’d seen a lot of the late night horror movies where people who awaken from the dead take out their frustrations on the person nearest to them when they rise. Which, in this case turned out to be that poor guy.

The grandmother then closed her eyes and covered her ears and slumped back into the chair. Fearing that she was now going back towards the Pearly Gates for the second time, the family rushed forward to see if there was still a flicker of hope for revival. The very un-dead grandmother, lifted her head up, opened her eyes, and wanted to know why everybody was shouting at her. A mixture of joy and relief spread through the room as the family explained that they had mistakenly thought she had passed. So, the grandmother asked, “when I fell asleep you thought I was dead? What the heck did I look like that made you think I was dead? “. Well, uhm, yeah, about that…………..

It reminded me of an old episode of M*A*S*H I had seen way back when. In the episode, a soldier’s funeral is taking place, when suddenly the soldier rose from a hospital bed and came out on crutches to attend what he thought was the passing of one of his comrades. One of the MASH doctors says to the other, “I thought he was dead”. To which the other shrugs his shoulders and replies “He got better”. Which, if I remember right, is kind of what my buddy says they told the coroner upon his arrival.

WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN?

Back in College I was in a class that studied Shakespeare. Seriously. It was only one class. There was a guy in it who made everyone nervous every time he entered the room. He had one of the hardest, coldest stares. Ever. His jaw locked in place in what could best be described as an angry clench. He had a full beard and mustache, which made him stand out amongst the other students. 

He never engaged in conversation. For months this went on. And then one day, he was called up to the front of class to give a presentation, which was required of all of us. He was one of the last to be called up. (Gee, I wonder why )When he walked up to the front of the classroom, you could hear a pin drop in the room as all eyes focused on him. When he turned and faced the class, his jaw relaxed, his brow unfurled, and he actually was smiling as he spoke. Like a transformation of a werewolf back to human in a movie, the guy suddenly looked the opposite of his image a few seconds before. Yeah, gazinga!

But it was his voice that startled the class most. It was soft, and smooth, downright soothing. To describe the disparity of what we saw vs. what we heard- it was like if Weird Al Yancovic started talking like Oprah Winfrey. We listened as he went through his presentation, which was a review of Macbeth. (Yes,really, I’m more well-rounded than you thinkm). It was thorough, articulate, and because of the guy giving it, quite mesmerizing. He was up there for about 10 minutes, which under normal circumstances would have put some of us to sleep. But in this case, when he finished, the class buzz about him started. People thought he was just pretending to be something, but nobody was sure if it was the smiler, or the killer stare guy, that was real. 

The professor patted him on the back and told him what a nice job he’d done. The guy turned toward the professor still smiling, and started walking back to his seat. But, as he tuned towards his chair a few steps later, the smile was gone, the frost-bitten stare was back, and the jaw clenched like he was chomping on a bullet. Geez, I felt a cold shiver as he sat down just a few seats away to my left. Never in my life had I seen such a complete transition, to the point where you wouldn’t recognize that this was the same guy who gave the presentation if you saw him outside of class. Like Clark Kent becoming Superman in a phone booth, the transformation took but a split second. And you thought Shakespeare was dull, huh?

When I told my roommates about the guy they suggested maybe he had a split personality, or some physical impairment that made smiling painful. Could be, I guess. Or maybe he was just struggling with whether he wanted to be the greatest motivational speaker of our time, or, a sure bet as the most memorable villain in the next James Bond movie. Hard to say. 

When the semester concluded, and we moved on to other classes, I never saw the guy again. My roommates said if I ever spotted him to point him out, because they wanted to witness the transformation firsthand. But our paths did not cross . Out there somewhere, but never seen again. Which is why when we talked about him afterwards he was always referred to as the “chameleon”. 

So, if you should ever happen to run into a guy about my age, who does a Dr.-Jeckyl-and-Mr.-Hyde type of transformation in front of your very eyes when you mention “Macbeth”, tell him Stuart says hello. And get outta there before he changes back!

A LONG DROUGHT

About 20 years ago I decided to give up coffee for Lent. Anyone who knew me at the time, chuckled when I mentioned it. My wife was amused that I would even try. My co-workers started taking bets on how long it would be, before I broke. I myself wondered.

But, I was determined to at least try. So as the first few days of it went by, I sought alternatives. I drank juice, and water, and briefly, tried eating protein bars or licorice when I needed a boost. It helped a little. The craving was present, but not too bad for the first week. I felt it was possible. My friends were surprised. Probably because every coffee shop in town knew me on a first name basis, what I ordered, and when I came in every day. Yes, every day. If I missed a day they asked my co-workers if I was sick or on vacation.

In the second week I tired of the alternatives and started to eat more. And I started to get a little annoyed by people who made a point of slowly sipping coffee in front of me while they asked what it was like to go without it. I realized I had taken on an enormous challenge. And a couple of the local coffee shops started telling my co-workers to tell me they said hello.

By week three I started to use it to my advantage. Anyone foolish enough to argue with me had it pointed out to them that I hadn’t had caffeine in so long that I had little patience with stalling, excuses, or fabrications of reality. I was told in later months that the look in my eyes made several of my co-workers change their minds. And wonder if I was going to crack up any time soon. By now my kids were wondering if this was such a good idea. Coupons for half- off coffee started showing up in my office mailbox.

Week four was when my family and my co-workers were telling me that having a cup of coffee was not a sin. And maybe I should just be proud of what I’d done thus far, and call it a semi -win, and cave in. The kids noticed I was quite fidgety and tended to hover over them and ask about homework, room cleanup, and doing their stuff on time. Yeah, what kid wants a dad who suddenly has the energy to supervise 24/7. There was a couple of times when I got stubborn on issues that were nothing big, because I had energy to burn and I vented it verbally. Uh oh. The kids were offering to MAKE coffee for me. PUH-LEASE Dad, have a cup of coffee!

Week five and I was doing deep breathing exercises and jogging. I was chewing gum and eating licorice in ridiculous volume. My co-workers figured my fuse was getting shorter and tended to avoid giving me bad news directly. One time, I was in my office with the door closed and a guy said “ Go tell Him what happened” and the reply that came back was “ Is he back on coffee yet?” To which the first guy said “I don’t think so”. And the reply came back “ I’ll send an email then”. I hollered through the door “ I can hear you guys!” And the sound of scampering feet away down the hall followed. 5 days to go.

I remembered the time my dad gave up smoking. I was about 16, and at the time, was impressed. But it became an ordeal that lasted more than 6 months. He had tried chewing gum, candy, and started drinking more coffee and getting tense as time passed. Sounds familiar now. You could feel the tension in the air when he was near. Oh, you did not want to get in an argument with him then. But, he did get past it, and he mellowed more each year. I can remember, way back then, how he liked to play guitar, kind of aimlessly, and it had a calming, soothing effect. So I would move his guitar nearby, sometimes just suggesting he play it. When he did, a calming effect appeared.

So, 5 days to go. Yeah, really wish I knew how to play guitar then. It finally came to conclusion, and my wife and kids told me they would NEVER want me to do that again. They made me coffee, then bought me more. And peace in the valley, was restored.

My first day back in the coffee shop, they ran to open the door and had my espresso in hand before I even stepped in the place. They said they were glad to hear the rumors that I’d gone crazy and given up coffee so I could scream at people were not true. Sure, let’s go with that.