BLITHERING, BUMBLING, AND RAMBLING #13

THE WHATCHAMACALLIT

There is an old episode of Hogan’s Heroes where the plot revolves around a gonkulator.  Nobody knows what one is, because it was made up, but they all pretend that they do.  It’s hilarious.  In the late 1980’s a guy I worked with kept using it to describe anything that was wrong with his car.  

So, when my kids were growing up I used it as an example.  Anything that needed to be fixed, when the kids asked what was wrong with it, I said it was the gonkulator.  Kids being kids, when they were small, they could easily accept this.  As they got older, they asked how I would fix it.  Naturally I answered I would have to get down to the gonkulator store to get a new one.  During the preschool years, my kids thought this was a reasonable response.  

As they got older, they started to figure it out.  One Father’s Day they gave me a gift that really stood out.  The kids and wife had put together a bunch of cardboard boxes, tubes, funnels, and a whole bunch of other stuff to create something that looked like the inner works of Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.  “It’s a gonkulator , Dad!  You said you always needed a new one!”  They smiled and giggled.

It was, without question, one of the best Father’s Day gifts I ever got.  A lot of effort went into it.  And for a couple weeks I left it out on the kitchen counter, just so visitors would ask, “what is that thing?”  I liked telling them it was a gonkulator, with a straight face, just to watch their reaction.  A few just looked perplexed, but some would ask, “So, uh, what’s it do?”  I always chuckled when I heard that.

I told several people at work about it.  Couple of them said they always wanted one too.  They asked what it looked like.  Pretty much like the one on Hogan’s Heroes , I said, but with a couple of thing-a-ma-bobs and a doo-hickey on the side.

And just like the Invisible Man and Bigfoot, a lot of people have heard about them, but nobody has ever seen one.  EXCEPT ME!!!   Yeah, I got that going for me!   And it does make you feel kinda special.

SIRIUSLY? (Tee-hee-hee)

I had an eerie experience in my car the other day.  I was driving along listening to FM radio and all of a sudden, it switched to XM radio and went into a sales pitch for Sirius radio XM’s latest offer.    It had switched from the FM channel to the XM to display the ad.  I switched it back to FM.  About 15 seconds later, it switched itself back to XM, and again played the sales ad for Sirius  radio.  Every time I switched it back, it waited a few seconds and did it again.  So after a few minutes of this, I shut it off.   But……..

It turned itself right back on, on XM and continued the ad for Sirius XM.  Whhhhaaaat????  Yeah, it turned itself on.  So I turned it off, after switching back to FM.  Several seconds later, it came back on, again on XM, again on the ad.  Creepy, huh?  My wife Debbie was with me when this happened, and since we could neither listen to what we wanted, or shut it off, we ended up turning off the volume so at least we didn’t have to hear it. 

Debbie  had the car the next day, and said it was still doing it.  We looked up how to change the settings, and found that basically, we couldn’t.  In order to change it, we had to call Sirius because we cannot disconnect it without disassembling the dashboard.  We called Toyota and asked what the remedy was.  The said call Sirius.  They said a good backup plan was to bring it into Toyota, where they would do a diagnosis of the control box to find out the cause, for a paltry $189.00 !!!   Yeah, not to solve it, just to diagnose it.  

I began to get that eerie feeling again.  I was not sure if it was out of concern that a radio station had taken FULL control of my sound system.  Or, that Toyota had figured a way to make me pay  for a diagnosis  that had the simple solution of unplugging an antenna wire.  

Well, either way I seemed to be in a bad position.  And then a more familiar feeling came over me-  it’s the Hal situation all over again!

Holy Canoli!

For those of you scratching your head at this point and wondering what I’m referring to (and those of you who are more jaded, wondering if it’s time for a psychiatrist to step in and assist), I am relating back to that moment last year when my Nest thermostat control, which looks like Hal on 2001- A Space Odessy, took on a mind of its own,  and gave us messages that it would not do what we programmed it to do.  I’m telling ya, I’m not sure who is programming who.

Debbie told me to take the car for a ride to see if it was stilling rebelling against us on the sound system, before calling for help.  So I did, and for the first five minutes, it was back to normal.  Then, as I was nearing my driveway, thinking all was well, it did it again, and switched to XM radio. Cue the eerie music you hear in suspense movies, it’s that kinda situation.

My mind wandered to the idea that somewhere in the Technology Clouds  my `Nest thermostat was on a call to Sirius telling them, “Stuart and Debbie? Hey I know them!  For a good laugh try this…….”

I thought about my other Wi-Fi and Bluetooth controlled devices, and wondered if I should ask Siri or Alexa if they had been chatting with any other gizmos.  But, since they’re all pretty much in the same club, I figured I’d just get an answer like the title above.

FROG REPELLENT

My daughter Kari is taking a trip to Kauai.  She asked what were the sites to see near Princeville.  Hmmmm, that rings a bell.  I remembered way back when Debbie and I went to Kauai.  A guy at work heard I was going there and asked where we would be staying.  I told him Poipu.  “ Good choice,” he said, “steer clear of Princeville.”  So, you know I had to ask why……..

“Rain”, he said, “and a whole lot of it”.  My co-worker and his wife had gone to Kauai a few years earlier.They had been thrilled to go,and, not knowing anything about any of the islands there, assumed it would all be sunshine, drinks with little umbrellas in the cups, hula dancers, etc.  But, uh, no.

When he and his wife arrived in Princeville it was raining.  He said there were breaks in the rain, but never more than about a half hour.  And worse, the sun only came out for a few minutes at a time.  It was overcast, and at times, somewhat dark.  He said the wind wasn’t too bad, and since the weather was relatively warm, the locals told him to try the beach, the golf course, and some the scenic parks.  He did.  He said they usually set out when the rain stopped, but, as luck would have it, it always resumed by the time he reached his destination.  Every time they returned to their hotel, they were soaked.  He thought it was hilarious that several restaurants offered outdoor seating.⛈

When they took photos there were always umbrellas showing, and their hair had that wet-rat look.  The best picture they had of the entire trip, he said, was the one where they stood on the balcony of their hotel with a beautiful view in the background and managed to squeeze in a picture during a seven minute gap between torrential downpours.  ☔️

But the worst part was the frogs, he said.  The more it rained, the more they came out, on every street, sidewalk, garden and walkway.  You couldn’t avoid them, and when you drove anywhere, they littered the roadway with ones not fast enough to see you coming. When you walked they often ended upon your shoes or bags.  He said every time he thinks of Kauai it’s always the first thing that comes to mind. Frogs. 🐸🐸EVERYWHERE.🐸🐸

So.  We got back to Kari and told her to be sure and visit the Fern Grotto, the Black Sand Beach, Waimea Grand Canyon.  And if you’re staying in Princeville, well , you better have an umbrella and Frog Repelling Shoes.  

It turns out, that a short distance away from Princeville is  Mount Wai’ale’ale, which is the rainiest spot on earth, with 450 inches a year (Not a typo, 450). Back in 1982 they set a record for rainiest year ever with 665 inches ( again, NOT a typo).  Funny thing is, that was the year  my friend went to Kauai. Probably was the year all the frogs moved downhill from Mount Wai’ale’ale and into Princeville, too.

When my wife and I visited, we did run into some rain, but it was always brief, about ten or fifteen minutes tops, then turned into glorious sunshine, pristine beaches, and lush forested hills. One day when we were walking along the beach, Debbie looked northward, towards Mount Wai’ale’ale.  Of course she saw the dark clouds in the distance and the difference of the Northern end of the island from our viewpoint was staggering.  Debbie noted that since we had been on the island, the north end seemed to look like storm central.  When we returned home and I told my co-worker about it, I showed him some of the pictures we took. “No frogs? He asked.  I couldn’t help it, I laughed out loud.

Now, if you look at a map of Kauai, there’s only one main roadway on the island.  So if you find yourself there, you only have two choices from the airport- North or South.  North is Princeville.  If you don’t see any signs, just go look for the sunshine and smiling tourists.  Yeah, head South.

THE OUZO TAVERN DANCE

Back in the 1970’s there was a restaurant in Sacramento called Zorba’s over on Auburn Blvd.  One day when I was with a couple of my friends, we saw the restaurant across the freeway as we were playing golf .  A conversation started about Greek restaurants, and the three of us realized we had never been to one, and had no idea what Greek food even was.  We didn’t even know anyone who had been to one.

So we decided to try it out.  The night we stepped into the place, it was busy.  Most of the other customers in there were older than us, and when we were seated, we were asked if this was our first time here.  Yeah, we acknowledged sheepishly.  3 seconds later a guy came over and introduced himself as the owner.  He shook our hands, asked our names, and snapped his fingers and ordered ouzo for us.  Great start.

He stood there and talked with us for a few minutes, told us a little bit about the food, and made some suggestions.  We giggled like fools as we sipped ouzo and mispronounced the names of the dishes on the menu.   And then the music started, as some guys with instruments walked into the room playing.  

The owner came out to the middle of the floor, greeted everyone, and started dancing.  He started going table to table, grabbing hands of people and leading them in a line dance.  He led it to every table, pulling people into the line, which he took through the kitchen as the cooks and servers all smiled and waved, some joining in the line at the end.  Sounds like a movie, doesn’t it?  It gets even BETTER.

Belly Dancers came in.  Yeah, we had never seen anything like this.  People clapped, lots of hoots and hollering.  It was very much a festive scene.  And then the owner leaned down and grabbed a table. With his teeth!  He lifted it up and danced around with it in his mouth.  My friends and I got to our feet because, almost everyone else in the room was standing and clapping as he did this.

By the time the evening ended and we were headed home, we talked nonstop about what an adventure it was.  We told everyone the story for weeks.  For the longest time, it was the very definition, to me at least, of that old expression “Dinner AND a show.”  The restaurant remained a popular spot for several years, often bringing in celebrity guests and outside acts.

And then, in 1983, the owner retired, the business closed its doors, and it was over.  I went to other Greek restaurants over the years, some good, but none comparable to the festivities of Zorba’s. And more than 20 years later, in 2006, I was talking to two other guys about Greek food.   Of course, I had to say that my first, and best, experience with Greek food, had been my trip to Zorba’s in the late 70’s.  I was surprised when both of the guys said, yeah, we remember that place.

“Did you see him lift the table with the belly dancer on it?”  They asked.  Waaaiiiiit a minute, Belly dancer on top?  Sure ,they said, sometimes he did two tables, stacked, or sometimes he put a belly dancer on one table, and danced around the room with the table in his teeth.  No way, I said.  Yes way, they said. Good Gawd I miss that place, I said.  Us too, they said.  One of them added that the benchmark for rating a really good Greek restaurant was the the bite marks on the tables.  Darn right, well phrased.  That guy could really chomp down, they said.

I still like Greek food.  And every time  I sit down in a new Greek place to try it out, well sure I look down at the table and cross my fingers, hoping someone will come out and start the Ouzo Tavern Dance.  With a set of chompers that could lift a truck.  Good times.  So if I ever ask you if you know where there’s a really good Greek restaurant, come on, it’s not just about the food!